Governmentium

Wajahat Latif writes hilariously on 26 September 2008 in his column in The Nation:

Much as my heart aches, here is something I have received by email on a new discovery that I should, in a dark humoured way, share with you:

"New Heaviest Element Discovered"

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science. Its existence was proved during the hurricane, gasoline, war and other issues of the last year or two. The new element has been named Governmentium.

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called mo-rons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pe-ons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years. It does not decay, however, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, as each reorganisation will cause more mo-rons to become neutrons, forming iso-dopes.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium because, though it has only half as many pe-ons, it has twice as many mo-rons.